2000-09-04-4:50 amCDT
I had a very disconcerting expeience this evening. It was something for which I was completely unprepared. Today was my little cousin's ninth birthday party. Being the poor young souls that we are my brother, his girlfriend and I chipped in and bought her a gift. Now on the card was written our names "Love, R., N., and Steph"(abbreviated now to protect anything bad I might say about them in the future. I know you'd figure it out if I named them you sneaky little bastards.) All I could think was "WHEN THE HELL DID I BECOME THE THRID WHEEL?!!!" Right at that very moment the next thirty years flashed before me. R. and N. taking me on pity outings with the family. R. and N. coming to visit me in the convent where I'll be living after I get old and I'm still unmarried, now undatable, and I become a mean, sexually frustrated old hag who hates the world.Ok, so I got a little carried away in my thoughts. I guess what I'm trying to say here is, the impact of my loneliness is hitting me harder than I let on to people. Maybe it's hitting me harder than I let on to myself. Don't get me wrong, I don't need a man in my life to have self worth and confidence. I love my life and everyone and everything that's in it. I'd just like the other stuff too. I want to know what it feels like to be held close when I'm feeling afraid. I want to know what it feels like to wake up in the middle of the night and know that there is someone next to me who loves me and cherishes me. I want someone to live for and be willing to die for. I want to fall in love. I want to be loved. Really, truly, honestly loved, with no pretenses or fears or doubts. Is that too much to ask? I think I'm worthy of that. And to think I got all of that from a card for a nine year old. I think I'm cracking up. Anyone want a date? Friday, 9:00, the loony bin. Be there or be square. Love,
Supersteph
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