I think that I'm missing something. Everything that I try so hard to keep others from seeing, all of my inadequacies, are rearing their ugly heads. Sometimes I get so afraid that others will see the real me. Sometimes I'm so afraid that they won't see the real me. Most of the time I don't even know who the real me is. I want to be good at so many things. I want to know and do and see and touch and feel and live. But I often find myself in a rut. Stagnant. Lost. Afraid. My life has never been perfect. No one has a perfect life. But I have always, always known exactly what I wanted. Everything had to be in tiny, organized little compartments. Change, bad. Change, scary.

Don't get me wrong, life has thrown me for a loop so many times. It has certainly surprised me more times than I can describe in this entry, which is already long enough. (Don't worry we'll get to that sooner or later.) But I feel so stifled now. I just want something to change. I want ANYTHING to change.

I don't know where this is all coming from. I'm happy with my life. Maybe everything has changed, is changing, and I'm missing it. Maybe I just don't recognize what has happened in the last year. I just feel like I'm looking for something that isn't there. I often think "This can't be all that life has to offer me." Then other times I think that there can't be anything better than this life, my life. Rage against the storm, I guess.

May you recognize your life as a gift. Treasure it always, and share it.

Love,
Supersteph