2000-10-04-3:46 pm CDT
Sometimes I cry for the person I can never be. For some reason I have such a hard time focusing on who I am. All of these thoughts about how things could be different creep up and in and gnaw at my soul until there is nothing left to do but retreat into my cocoon. Feelings, emotions that I don't want to face or know or even acknowledge build and build and I know that somehow, somewhere the dam is going to burst and there I'll be sobbing, alone, hurt, scared. . .lost. Sometimes my jealousy consumes me. The jealousy of that woman who's smarter or prettier or taller or thinner or richer. Sometimes I just want to be anywhere but here, anyone but me. I love my life more than anything. I have my family, my friends. Just by existing each of us makes life extraordinary. By sharing ourselves we change things, we make them better. By focusing on all of this negativity I shame that idea that we are all worthwhile. That's what hurts me. I keep thinking that I can be so much more if I just did this a little better or that a little faster. I keep asking myself why just being me isn't enough. I love my life. Why do I want someone else's? For now, that question remains unanswered. May you all realize that your lives are enough. Be who you are. That's all that counts. Love,
Supersteph
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