Dear R,

You never once thought about anyone but yourself. When Mom was so sick that we didn't know if she would live, when dad was working two jobs to support us, when I was just a thirteen year old trying to keep our family, our life, together, you only made things worse. I hated you for who you were, what you had become. I knew you could be so much more.

I remember that hyper but gentle big brother who always let me have the last chocolate chip cookie. I remember how you always looked over the top of your glasses because you didn't think to push them up. I remember all the times you played dolls with me and how you never made G.I. Joe beat up Ken because you knew it made me cry. I wanted that back.

I wanted you back.

You became a monster. The drugs that consumed you took that sweet, caring big brother away from me. My life was so wrapped up in your problems and Mom's problems and the family's problems that there was no time left for me, so when I had to focus on my own life, I didn't know how. I couldn't deal with just me when there was no one else left to deal with. Where my teenage years should have been filled with friends and laughter and just having fun, they were filled with crying and rage and loneliness. You took my life away from me.

I am so grateful that you are my beautiful brother again and that your life is finally right. Mine is still in turmoil. I have forgiven those awful things you did to me and to yourself, but I can never forget them. They have scarred me as much as they have scarred you.

This isn't about making you feel bad or getting revenge. It's about moving on with my life. I am finally in a place where I feel worthy of respect and love and happiness. With this letter, I end a chapter in my life that I wish never would have happened, but that made me stronger in the process. Now I think that I can move on.

Just know that I never stopped loving who I knew you were inside.

With all my love,

Stephanie