I promised myself that I would never let anything like this happen again. I would never fall for someone whom I cannot have, who doesn't want me for anything more than an acquaintance at best. But I don't think I can help it. You have to know that I don't want any of this: to want to get to know you, to need to see you, to yearn to be near you, to feel that little spark of anticipation when I know you're going to be at work the next day. I don't want to love the way your hair does that little flip thing in the front, or to find endearing the fact that you have terrible posture, or that you shuffle when you walk, or that you have a crooked smile and look cuter in your glasses than you do without them.

This happened to me only once before and it wasn't pretty, ending for the most part in awkward encounters and forced polite conversation. I swore that after that time there would be no more, that I would lock my heart away until someone actually sought out the key, instead of me just giving it away to impossible dreams and feelings that I knew would never be reciprocated.

But here I am again. . . .Seeing you today made me realize that even though you will never know or maybe even care that I have these feelings for you (as I do not give them openly for you or anyone to see), I give them freely anyway. Take my heart, my mind, my soul. I won't mind that you will never know. I give them for me, so that I can experience what it feels like to have that growing affection for someone, that maybe it will blossom into love, one-sided as it may be. I want to know what that feels like even to the detriment of my heart in the end when you undoubtedly find the girl of your dreams. I will wish you well like any other work colleague and give you a card for your engagement, look at the pictures of your wedding and smile on the outside. Who knows? Maybe I'll have found someone who wants me by then, and most likely I will still be alone. Wishing you well on your journey, praying for you and your new love, and finding solace in the knowledge that for a few brief moments you were mine. . . .if only in my heart and my dreams.

Love,
Steph