2005-12-15-8:31 a.m.
Early morning and yet to lay my head down from last night's bitter tears. It's happening again, really strange how life plays itself in circles like a record. The needle gets stuck in the groove of a song too much played. A few years ago I spoke of love (maybe intense like)unrequited. Strangely, at the same time my online "family" was falling apart as well. Partly my fault for pulling away, partly others(a certain "him" in particular) for letting go. Events took place that were no one's fault. What held us all there no longer existed, began to erode and mutate into something to which I no longer wished to be a party. The ones I really missed, J. M., C., I find difficult to reach out to now, like they won't remember me or something. I read J's livejournal whenever I can and I know she visits mine from time to time, but I seem to have lost M. and C. Like in my non-computer life I can't seem to hang on to people online either. I bring all this up because of certain events that are happening online on a certain journal. Preposterous, childish accusations flying this way and that about one who is not prone to such exaggeration or anonymous accusations. Brings back old memories of what things used to be, and what they no longer are. But anyway. . . Funnily enough, I fear that I'm falling again much like I did in college, for someone who does not see me that way. He works with me (bad idea right there). He doesn't know (I hope), will never know because I've learned my lesson, and this is not a game anymore. In college, I told anyone who would listen except for the one it was about. Of course he found out and it got weird one night when we showed up in the same place, me with a friend of course, him with a new girlfriend I didn't know he had. There were whispers of "I didn't know she would be here" And then I felt like an intruder, like they belonged and I was just a tagalong who wasn't invited or expected (which wasn't really true, I had been invited) But I'm an adult now (kind of)and I can't really have "crushes" on people. So I write it here, becuase I can tell no one but those who don't really know me. It's safe here. I can let it out to you and you will never tell because there is no one to tell. I'm not sure how I was burned by a relationship that I didn't even have back in college. All I know is that I don't want to feel the longing again, the pining for a life that will never be mine. The hardest part is that he's nice and he talks to me and jokes with me as he does everyone. I think I might find it difficult to hide it. I always fear I wear my heart on my sleeve. I just wish someone would change that damn song on the record player.
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