2002-03-25-10:27 a.m.
Not sure where this entry is going today. I just needed to say something, anything, to keep the tears from falling. I am a contradiction of emotions as of late. I am dependable, I am irresponsible, I am angry, I am hurt, I am happy and sad. I am in love with someone who has no idea that every day I pray for his love in return. I am scared, afraid of what will happen to us if I tell him. . . .afraid of what will happen to me if I don't. Every time I get close to telling him, even hinting at the possibility, I choke. Don't get me wrong, I have no false illusions or expectations about what exactly will happen once he knows. Shock, awkwardness, withdrawl. I barely have him now. I don't think I could bear to lose all of him. It's so odd how love works sometimes. I like him. He likes another girl who likes someone else. Why doesn't it ever work out for everyone? When is it time for the lonely ones to love? Sometimes we go through life thinking we are never good enough or deserving enough for love and that's why we don't have it. The truth of the matter is that it's all a game. Step up to the plate and take a swing. Maybe you make contact and wing that ball out of the park. Or you end up hitting a foul and knocking out the guy on first. Either way, win or lose, you tried. It has nothing to do with deserving or not. It's all about who had the luck that day. It's time for me to step up to the plate and take a swing. He needs to know. I need to tell him. How can you win the game if you don't even play? Batter up! Love, Supersteph
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