2001-01-12-2:05 am CDT
Apathy. Nothingness. I just don't care. I can't care. About you. About me. About anything that used to be important in my life. Life scares me. It makes me nervous. Everything makes me so nervous. I am so afraid of failure. I cannot fail. I CANNOT FAIL. That fear is always with me. It's debilitating sometimes. The funny part is that I always used to be the strong one, the shelter from the storm. When my mom was sick, and my brother was struggling with his own problems, and my dad was just working to keep it all together, there I was, trying to stay out of trouble lest I cause any more problems. My strive for perfection helped me in the grand scheme of things. I learned responsibility at an early age. I knew what I had to do and I did it without any help. If I had asked they would have been right there for me. But I never asked. They didn't need the worry and I didn't need the help. Or I thought I didn't. But there was always that nervousness. I remember my mom driving me to school after the ordeal with her health was finally dealt with (she's all better now). I would sit in the passenger seat with my fists clenched worrying about school. I wasn't worrying about a test or a homework assignment or being late for homeroom. oh, I worried when I had a test. I worried when I didn't have a test. I worried that I would be late for school or that I would be too early for school. I am a worrier. Irrational worries plague me all day, every day. I've spoken about this before. I don't know how to stop it or when it started. I think I need help. When I bring it up to my mom she just gets impatient with me. I am NOT unhappy, just really, really scared that life won't be 100% the way I want it to be. I know the problem. I just don't know how to fix it in myself. The shadows seem to be pulling me in, making it so hard to see the light. Love,
Supersteph
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