What throws me for a loop, and was has been happening of late, is that I've been having these dreams about someone whom I have not seen in years.

My grade school was very small, and those in my class were the kids with which I grew up, from Kidnergarten to eight grade. In those nine years I had become friends with a boy. His name is Paul. Unbeknownst to him, I had the biggest crush on him. Of course Paul was one of the class "hotties" and he liked Monica anyway so, like, I wasn't going to say anything.

So here comes high school and I thought I had lost Paul forever (sob, sob). Low and behold, Paul ended up at the the boys school that shared a campus with my all-girls school. My crush on him matured and intensified, but again, I would do nothing. He would date, I wouldn't. They were often girls I knew and liked.

As it turned out, though, I would only see Paul a handful of times in our four years of high school and after our junior year I would never see him again.

I often think of Paul and what would have happened had he known I liked him. Perhaps I would have been or would still be with him. Maybe I just would have ruined what was a good grade school friendship and a little girl crush.

He is my only regret in life (please, can I be a little more melodramatic?) and someone I truly miss. His goofy grin always made me laugh and his kindness even when he tried to hide it behind lewd, teenage boy comments would always shine through. The prankster, joker, class clown, infintely intelligent, honestly kind boy I knew is out there somewhere. Maybe I'll have the privelege of seeing the man he became. Or maybe all of those qualities that I so liked in Paul will manifest themselves in someone else who will like me back. Whatever the case, I will always have the memories of those little girl dreams that have never really seemed to go away. When we all seem to be growing up and leaving those childish things behind, it's so nice to have something to hold on to and dream of.

I hope that Paul, too, thinks back and remembers me from time to time.

Love,
Supersteph